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Feature 070912 Clark

Monday, July 9, 2012

'Chapo' Guzman Declares Himself President of Mexico

[Satire] by George Thomas Clark

Come on. Admit it. You keep having to Google "new Mexican president" because you can't remember the name Enrique Peña Nieto. He's handsome, but like a generic ad model, and he's smooth but so is an oily auto part. You know he represents the old guard in Mexico, the PRI, that ruled dictatorially for decades, spoon feeding the wealthy while ignoring the poor.

Trust me, Enrique Peña Nieto was created by a political cookie cutter. Mexico needs a tough and charismatic guy who understands poverty and struggle. There's only one such candidate. That guy's me. And I'm confident most Mexicans agree, so I'm naming myself the new president.

While other Mexican presidents grew up soft in splendor and spent too much time inhaling class privilege in presidential factories like Harvard, I scrambled to survive and had to end my formal education after third grade. That supercharged my real education, the one that will galvanize Mexico, the one that made me ambitious and brave.

I jumped into crime early, and even as a teenager urged my bosses to give me more authority. I knew I could transport increasing quantities of drugs more efficiently than anyone else. As logistical ideas stormed through my brain, I arranged for fleets of trucks, boats, and planes to haul cocaine tons at a time. I also sought a less labor-intensive product, establishing ties in the Far East to obtain the best precursor chemicals for meth, and followed by building the best and largest labs.

No one in history has sold as many drugs. I'm a multi-billionaire, and one of the world's richest men.

No weak and pampered Mexican president could operate like me. In prison I bribed and intimidated everyone, including guards and wardens, screwed many women, raped a few, and escaped just before the Americans were going to take me to a place with different rules. No way. Everyone plays by the rules of El Chapo*. Those who don't understand my authority are shot, if they're lucky. My kindness, however, is often unappreciated and I'm forced to order my thousands of warriors to ... [torture, mutilate and kill] our living enemies.

I don't "mess with honest working or business people," usually I don't unless I do. Generally, I kill Zetas and other narcotics traffickers. I do that so Mexicans can feel free and safe and happy. They shouldn't worry that fifty thousand have died violently in recent years. I'll protect them. I cherish life. I've fathered at least ten kids. Have you seen my latest wife? She's a real beauty, more than thirty years my junior. We recently had twins and will make a lovely first family.

* Chapo, the nickname of drug lord Joaquín Guzmán Loera, means Shorty in Spanish.


George Thomas Clark is the author of Hitler Here, a biographical novel.  He can be contacted through his web page at

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